How can a father explain how he feels for a son? How can he put together a series of words that adequately describes the mix of love, fear, and absolute desperation involved in being a parent. How the sum total of a man's dreams become bundled into those little hands and feet. And how the idea of that boy experiencing pain is anathema.
Derek remembered falling in love with his wife. He remembered the stomache churning roller coaster ride of emotion. How could his feelings be so strong?.... He never believed that he could feel love so true again. But then Jason was born. It started so small. Just a twinge of pride and disbelelief.
Yet over time the twinge became a monster. Derek had swooned for Sarah. His love for her had kept him awake at night. But his son...his love for his son ripped him apart from the insides. Tore him to peices and laid him bare on the cold concrete. Broken...yet still conscious of his helplessness. And strangely enough...still wanting more. It was the kind of love that we all hoped for...it was the kind that ruined you.
Derek's biggest fear was that Jason would become ill like his mother. The idea of watching his son battle schizophrenia was horrifying. And it could happen at anytime. But as the years passed, Derek's fears lessened. Jason was 10 years old and thriving. A cold here....some stitches there...no big deal. He was such a good boy.
So when Jason began to lose weight and feel tired, Derek thought that it was something routine.
It certainly wasn't schizophrenia......
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